Setting boundaries around the holidays can mean the difference between enjoying the season and making wonderful memories or feeling overwhelmed and burnt out.
Boundaries define where you begin and another person ends. Boundaries are necessary to protect, honor and care for ourselves. They may be rigid, particularly at first while some may be looser. It is dependent on your needs and your ability to stand firm in what you need.
Healthy boundaries promote mental and emotional health, autonomy and identity, as well as help us avoid burnout. When we set healthy boundaries we also teach others what we will tolerate and accept.
When we don’t have healthy boundaries, we may find ourselves in codependent relationships and/or completely enmeshed with another person. We lose the ability to define who we are separate from them and oftentimes lose our identify in the process. This can lead to burnout and resentment, among other things.
If you aren’t familiar with healthy boundaries it may be overwhelming to know where to begin. Understand that boundaries may shift over time and boundaries will likely look different for different people and in different contexts within your life.
One way to consider boundaries, is honoring what you want or need over the needs of another person. Learn to say no when you don’t want to go to a party or invite someone over to your house.
When thinking about boundaries around the holidays with family, think about what adds to or detracts from the amount of stress you experience. Do your family gatherings contain any of the following:
- Competitive dynamics
- Passive aggressiveness
- You feel controlled by your family
- Everyone feels they need to be involved in your business
- You continue to feel the need to seek your parents’ approval or validation, falling back into your childhood tendencies.
To set boundaries, it is important to identify where you have boundaries in place and where you may be lacking. Once you can identify areas that need improvement, determine what is important to you and want you want from various relationships. For example, you may determine that you don’t want to engage in conversations around your relationship status, politics, etc.
Once you decide what your boundaries will be, you need to be firm. You also need to be clear when stating your boundaries. This is a time when we want to avoid beating around the bush or adding unnecessary details.
A boundary can be as simple as saying ‘No’. Or, you could say, I don’t want to discuss my relationship tonight, and leave it at that. You will feel more confident when you have clear and concise statements regarding your boundaries and these can be rehearsed ahead of time. Also, when you are clear you have a greater likelihood that your boundaries will be respected.
If family time can be draining, make a plan ahead of time. Determine the length of time you are willing to attend the gathering and plan your exit strategy. Spending time with family can be tough and it is important for you to identify what is best for you. If that means limiting your time in those situations, know that you are showing yourself and others that you are choosing to take care of yourself.
**As a note, if your family has a history of abuse, manipulation or substance abuse, it is particularly essential that you consider your health and safety as your top priority.
Boundaries may be really challenging at first, particularly if you identify as a people-pleaser. However, boundaries are a critical component of our mental health and wellbeing. Keep in mind, you don’t have to start defining all of your boundaries. Begin small and build from there. Once you are confident around one or two boundaries you will increase confidence and self-worth when it comes to setting additional boundaries.
For additional support, contact me at [email protected].