“How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change.” -Elizabeth Lesser
We know we want to change and oftentimes we know what needs to happen in order to create change, and yet we still don’t change. What gives?
While attending Unleash the Power Within (UPW) with Tony Robbins last weekend, we did a deep dive into this seemingly simple, yet quite complex question that I had.
“Why do people not change, or return to their old ways, despite knowing they want to or need to change?”
This ‘change’ affects all areas of life as I have seen it play out with clients, friends, peers, and more. Mary says she wants to lose weight. Robin says she needs to go to the gym more often. Lindsay says she is unhappy in her relationship and Tara is miserable in her job. And yet, there they stay, not taking action to create change.
“Change is not a matter of ability, it is a matter of motivation.” – Tony Robbins
To that I say, “Yes And.” Our desire to change may be strong and we may be highly motivated but what most people don’t understand is that we have conditioning, or beliefs, that lurk below the surface, in our subconscious or unconscious, that have the power to hold us back.
There are four primary reasons we don’t change:
- The beliefs we have about ourselves
- The beliefs we have about the outcome
- The fear of the unknown
- The steps required to change are too complex
Tony Robbins indicated that there are two catalysts for change: pleasure or pain. However, despite a strong desire and a pleasurable outcome, most people are driven by pain more than pleasure. Meaning, most people won’t change until they have had enough pain.
Think about your goals for a minute. When you visualize what you want is it fueled by pleasure of the outcome or the pain of staying where you are? Make note of that and use this as fuel for your ‘why’.
The other internal, and most often subconscious, reason we sabotage successful change come down to the six human needs.
- Certainty
- Variety
- Significance
- Love/Connection
- Growth
- Contribution
The first four needs, as Tony Robbins explains, are our basic human needs and the last two are our spiritual needs. All humans have these six needs and will do whatever it takes to meet them. That being said, our behaviors show up differently based on the needs that we each prioritize.
Do you know what of the six human needs are your top two? When we unconsciously resist or sabotage our own change it is likely due to a conflict between the change we desire (and what it will give us) and our primary basic needs.
Tony went on to say that if you desire success, but you have a basic need of certainty, you will likely be in conflict, therefore sabotaging your ability to achieve success. Success requires risk and uncertainty which conflicts with an internal need for certainty.
Therefore, in order to create change we must have a strong enough motivation (pleasure or pain) and understand what our existing beliefs and values are that drive us.
Needless to say, our beliefs, in many ways, control the outcome. (The next post will explore our limiting beliefs further.)
This isn’t to say that we cannot change. I am sure you have examples of people who have achieved the goals that you desire. However, it is important to have awareness of your motivation, your beliefs and your values so that you can better understand what will support you and what will limit you when it comes to creating lasting change.
I didn’t include the full quote earlier, but I truly love it in its entirety. Elizabeth Lesser says, “How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be.”
Have questions or want to let me know what your takeaway was from this article? Email me at [email protected]. I would love to hear from you!