I often hear women ask “When should I be ready to move on?” or “When should I be over him?” There are a couple things that stand out to me with these questions. First, there is no expected timeline. Every one has their own process for healing and moving forward and no one can determine what might be right or best for you.
Second, the word ‘should’. Using this word can set us up for unrealistic expectations and lead to feelings of fear, panic, and shame. In this sense, ‘should’ is considered a cognitive distortion as Beck (1976) defined them, “faulty or biased ways of thinking about ourselves and/or our environment.” These irrational or distorted beliefs and thought patterns can be detrimental to our overall health, confidence, success and more.
There are a variety of these cognitive distortions. Below I have included some examples.
“When you know better, you do better.”
So now that we know what cognitive distortions are, how do we work to change our beliefs and thought patterns? I work through a process of reframing and rephrasing with my clients. The process looks something like this:
- Awareness- the more you are aware of the beliefs you have or your typical way of thinking, the more you can seek to change the negative patterns. How often do you think negatively? If you tend to lean negatively most of the time, you may tend to have a negative bias. Notice when you tend to think more negatively? Is there something that triggers these emotions or thought patterns?
- Test the evidence- Are these thoughts true? What is the evidence to support my thinking? Sometimes simply identifying a lack of supporting evidence can help diffuse the negative thought or emotion. If it still feels intense or you are unsure if it is real, ask yourself if there is possibly another reason or perspective you haven’t considered.
- Journaling- As with any desire to change, journaling can be very beneficial. You can journal about your thoughts, when they occurred, what prompted them, and how you felt. As you write these occurrences down, you may begin to notice patterns. Additionally, when you are beyond the negative energy of the moment, you can consider alternate thoughts that may have a more positive perspective. Once you have created some positive alternates, you can begin to implement these shifts as you are struggling with the negative thinking or distortions.
- De-catastrophizing- If you are stuck in catastrophic thinking, try asking “what is the worst case scenario?” Get as detailed as possible. As you begin to walk through the worst case scenario you will begin to identify the likelihood of that situation as well as an increased awareness that you would be able to handle it. This technique is particularly helpful for those who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks around certain situations.
- Reframe, Replace, Rephrase- when you notice yourself thinking negatively, immediately ask yourself: how can I reframe this thought? What positive thought can I replace this negative thought with? How can I rephrase this way of thinking? These shifts may be challenging at first but the more you do them the more automatic they will become. Over time you will likely notice your negative thinking decreasing and your positive thinking or reframing increase.
I recommend choosing one area to focus on if you are in a place where you want to change your thought patterns. Trying to do too much at once will become overwhelming and you will likely not follow through with any of them. Pick one and try to be consistent with it. I like to set a goal of 2-4 weeks when starting out with something new. If you notice yourself falling ‘off the wagon’ get back on and try to be proactive longer than you were on your last attempt. Change takes time and it is important to be patient with yourself.
As always, I love hearing how a post resonated with you and your experiences with your wellness journey.. Send me an email or reach out on Instagram. I love hearing from YOU!