Grief, it is a powerful thing. On Instagram this past week I shared about my pain. I lost a friend this week and the details remain uncertain. I was also processing the anniversary of my cousin. He was a safe space for me. He always knew the right things to say and offered so much comfort. He was my pseudo big brother. His loss hit me hard and the pain of no longer having him here can sometimes be a smack in the face.
In the midst of grief, heartbreak becomes more than just words but extends to physical pain. And unlike a headache you can’t take medication for the pain. Or you can choose to find other ways to numb the pain like turning to alcohol or other substances (which I do not recommend). Or some people throw themselves into work, knowing that staying busy will keep their mind off the pain.
The problem is that if we continue to numb or avoid the pain, we can never truly process it. And processing the pain doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on but it means creating a sense of healing in order to remove any suffering.
If you are grieving, or know someone who is, I have 3 pieces of advice:
- First, allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up. I think, too often, we are afraid or ashamed to get emotional. There are five parts to the grieving process and they all come with varying emotions. You will experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, unlike a video game where you master one level and move to the next, these stages may not be experienced in a linear fashion; you may toggle back and forth between the phases; or not experience a particular stage at all.
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- In the denial phase, you may experience shock or numbness to the reality of the situation. It may be too hard to believe that this is real.
- During anger, you may feel angry at the person who left, you may find someone to blame or you may become angry with a higher power. In this stage, you might also feel helpless and frustrated. Anger, frustration and helplessness can all be heavily associated with shame. Therefore, we tend to hide these emotions. However, it is critical to experience the anger, the hurt and the fear as they come up so that you can process these emotions and move through them.
- Bargaining can begin before you lose someone, begging or bartering in the hopes of saving their life or the situation. After the loss, this is the stage when you contemplate the ‘what ifs’ or ‘if only’ and guilt can set in. Bargaining is our way of either trying to attempt to prevent the pain or the willingness to do anything to make the pain stop.
- Depression sets in alongside the emptiness that we feel. Feeling depressed during the grieving process is a very natural response. You may find yourself becoming isolated, overwhelmed with sadness and feeling hopeless. Even though you feel like this will go on forever, this is a necessary stage in the healing process.
- I think many people fear the acceptance phase because they think this means that they are okay with what has happened. Instead, acceptance refers to beginning to accept a new normal or a new way of life without someone or something being a part of it. We begin to find ways to live and enjoy life again even though we know nothing and no one will be able to replace the person we lost.
- My second piece of advice is to do it on your own time. It is important to understand that we all have our own way of grieving and our own way of healing. We all have our own timeline as well. Don’t allow yourself to feel rushed through the process. Make sure you listen to your body, feel your emotions and do what feels best for you.
- Lastly, aside from allowing yourself to grieve, I recommend that you do not do it alone. Whether you find friends, family, a counselor or therapist, or a support group, this is a time when it is necessary to be surrounded by supportive individuals who can help you when times get tough and overwhelming.
We all experience grief in our lives. It is what we decide to do with this grief that has the potential to change the trajectory of the rest of our lives.
“It’s an honor to be in grief. It’s an honor to feel that much, to have loved that much.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
If you are willing to share your story of grief, email me at [email protected]. How did you get through the grief? If you could give one piece of advice to someone who is currently grieving, what would it be?
With an open heart,
Kristina